Tesla's search for a new chairman of the board is massage with eroticismon, according to a new report from Bloomberg. Tesla is replacing Elon Musk as chairman as part of its settlement with the SEC for a Musk tweet that the SEC said violated its rules. Musk will stay on as CEO, but the new Chairman will reportedly have oversight over the controversial and still Twitter-happy figure.
So who exactly is Tesla looking for? It just so happens that earlier today, a Mashable reporter was taking a lunchtime stroll on the outskirts of Tesla headquarters. The wind whipped into her hand a single crumpled piece of printer paper that appeared to contain a job listing for Tesla's recently vacated chairman of the board position. What follows is a word-for-word reproduction of the extremely authentic and official Tesla document.
SEE ALSO: Tesla's first safety report claims drivers on Autopilot are safer, but lacks detailTesla is thrilled to announce that the executive search for our brand new chairman of the board has begun! This is an exciting opportunity for the right person to helm the board of the industry-disrupting innovation juggernaut we call Tesla.
Most exciting of all, the chairman position will include working alongside, or, above (we'll figure out the logistics later!) our iconic and energetic CEO, Elon Musk!
Sure, this job may be state-mandated. But we don't think of it that way, and neither should you! Tesla is actually enthusiastic about the opportunity that Mr. Musk presented us with when he playfully tweeted company information that cost him and the company $40 million in SEC fines.
After that serendipitous hiccough — not to mention Mr. Musk's untraditional methods overseeing our Model 3 fulfillment process — we (and our investors!) were happy to agree with the SEC to add two more inspiring Tesla stakeholders to the team!
And of course, as Mr. Musk must step down as chairman of the board, we're happy to comply with the requirement that both the new chairman and the new board member be independent from Musk companies. We always welcome new perspectives at Tesla!
Though we are searching for two new board members, just think of the once-in-a-lifetime chance the new chairman will have working with Mr. Musk! Not only will the new chairman get to learn from Mr. Musk — who previously held this position until the state told him he had to resign — the new chairman will be Mr. Musk's sounding board! His voice of... alternative judgment... for his more brilliantly devilish ideas! Anyway, working alongside, or above, or WHEREVER, with Mr. Musk, should be a treat.
Just so you know, Tesla already has some candidates in mind. Vice President Al Gore, what are you up to lately?
So, are you ready to change the face of electric car profitability and the reputation of a once-in-a-generation genius? If so, the Tesla chairman of the board job could be for you!
Job Duties will include:
Acting as a liaison between Mr. Musk and our valued (SO VALUED WE PROMISE) board members.
Overseeing Model 3 production while sleeping at one's home.
Regular meetings with Jack Dorsey to lobby for a Twitter edit button.
Requirements:
10+ years of executive experience
2+ years of automotive or energy industry experience
5+ years of babysitting experience
Twitter fluency
Deep familiarity with SEC rules and regulations
Canonical knowledge of indie-electronica
Sharp dresser
Iron will and backbone of steel
Bonus: 420 friendly
Apply today!
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